Sleep is not an option.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Let me start off by saying that I was born with terrible insomnia. I get it from my mom. By the time I was 8 months old I had trained myself to stay away for 36 hours (My parents LOVED that! haha). So anyway, everyone always thought that I would grow out of it as I got older. 18 years later and no such luck. Darn.

So last night was one of my "it's 2 am and you are not getting any sleep tonight" nights. I eventually did get to sleep but that is not the current point. I was absolutely exhausted but I could not for the life of me fall asleep. If you have never experienced this, you have no idea how lucky you are. It is frustrating. Sometimes to the point of tears.

I have tried multiple medications and none have made any significant changes. When I was a baby the doctors tried to give me a few different medications. None worked. Now that I am older I have tried a few more. The generic sleeping pills that my mom buys get me to sleep in about two hours. That's if I take the maximum dose for my age. Another teacher at my mom's school suggested I try melatonin. I take it religiously at night. But I still have nights where I am up until 3, 4, or even 5 am.

Some nights this doesn't bother me. I like having time to myself. Sometimes the middle of the night, when everyone else is asleep, is the best time to think.

Most nights though, it feels like my brain is out to get me. Thoughts that I don't want to have, every embarrassing thing I have ever said or done, anxiety about life in general (Don't even get me started. That is a whole other post in itself), and dreams that are so far fetched there is literally no way for them to come true.

I toss and turn. I stare at the clock. I think happy thoughts. I worry. I cry.

Sometimes I craft, or read, because really, what else can you do?

I'm still hoping that someday I will grow out of it. As time goes on I realize that the chances of growing out of it get smaller.

If any of you have any suggestions please contact me, either in the comments or through email.

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